Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I'm trying...

I promise, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, or forgotten about all of you or my blog. Honestly...I have been trying to blog! Really...I have! I get on here, start a blog, and either don't finish it because it seems boring or because it's to hard for me, emotionally. But I am determined to finished this post! I won't promise it to be much...but at least it's something. And really, that's quite an accomplishment for me right now.

*Can I be honest? Can you read this through my eyes and not judge me but instead hear my heart?*

I am going through a hard season in my life right now. Asking questions that have no answers. Seeing understanding when there is none. Wanting and longing for more...but instead having to STOP and just be. I have decided to change my life to make it more of the way I desire it to be. For the past 3 months now I feel as though my life has consisted of driving to appointments for Israel, going to doctors appointments, talking to doctors, doing occupational and physical therapy for him, talking (more like fighting) with insurance companies...and doing all the "Have to's" of wife and motherhood...such as homeschooling Rachel and Jaxon, cleaning, cooking, running errands, taking them to various events and commitments...and running the children's ministries (I haven't talked about this on here...I don't think) as a part time "volunteer" job...which consists of making schedules, researching curriculum, training teachers, finding volunteers, setting up classrooms weekly, trying to find funds for the things they need, printing materials, cleaning, finding subs for when people cancel last minute, teaching many Sunday's, missing sermons for the better part of the past 6 months etc. etc. etc.....!!!

And in all that, I finally found what was missing, my joy! I was so busy and consumed with doing the do, that I was no longer enjoying most of the things in my life! I hit a real low recently and it brought me to this revelation. The low sucked! But I am grateful for it as it made me see that something HAS to chance! So I began to really look at my life. I got some advise from a much admired mom friend and she said, when life gets like this, look at what you are doing and ask your self these questions. "Is this coming between my relationship with God...with my husband...with my children?" And if there is a yes to any of it...then get rid of it! So I started evaluating everything I was doing in my life and one by one I started letting things go that were hindering those relationships and robbing me of my joy.

It was a hard decision for some of those things because they were things I loved and enjoyed...but as I stepped back and looked at it, I realized that due to the busy-ness and "doing the do" attitude I had, that truthfully I wasn't really enjoying those things anymore either! I am making my life as less busy as I can, while still being a Mom and wife and friend. And each day that dos by I am finding joy again. And as I write those words, my eyes fill wit tears, because it makes me so sad that I missed out on a lot of the simple joys of my life for the past several months because I was so full of "busy"! But I am thankful that I am realizing this now. I am able to just sit, and hold my children and not feel guilty for all the other things that need to get done. I'm not stressing about the dishes or the laundry or the vacuuming because I know there is time later on in my day to accomplish those things...since it isn't so filled with "busy" anymore. I am playing with my children more, taking walks, and enjoying the splashes of sunshine and warm air that come so seldom this time of year. I am opening up windows and letting fresh air in. I am turning off the tv and getting off the computer more often and stopping to enjoy the small and large joys in life. Anywhere from the laugh of one of my children to the smell of roast in the crock pot. Oh I have missed you!

As I sat with Israel this evening after I had dressed him in his jammies and I was delaying bedtime because I knew I was going to miss him once I put him down, I decided to capture some of the simple joys of him that make my life worth living. I wanted to share them with you :-)

I can never get enough of those baby blues and adorable smile!

Precious curls, long eyelashes, button nose and chubby cheeks...doesn't get much better than this!

He deosn't miss not having a thumb, so why should I?

The many faces of Israel...I love his personality!

So I say to you, sit back, and look at your life through different there anything that needs to change? That needs to go? If so...don't will only be loosing precious time that you can never get back. Change now! Don't be afraid of's an amazing thing when you can learn to embrace it! GO LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE! You only get don't waste it!


Jenna said...

Thank you for this post. Its easy to get sucked into the regular things of life and get lost a bit, especially when dealing with a special situation and all the added appointments. You are doing such a great job, I wish we lived closer as some day I would love to meet you. The reminder to enjoy everyday is something so many of us need ot hear and remember!

littlecbsmom said...

Great post! I love the pictures, those are great, so many great faces!

I think it is a good place to be...honest about what is going on! Doesn't make it easier, but it sounds like God has brought you to a good place. I think it will be a constant struggle for us as women, to find balance with the many roles that God has given us. It takes REAL courage to make changes to find that joy and resist the busy life the world wants us wrapped in. Thanks for the reminder:)

The Cameron Family said...

Beautifully honest ... it brought tears to my eyes. I too, have been feeling some of those same stresses and anxiety. Thank you for sharing this. Prayers to you and your family.

writing4612 said...

*I wanted to send this in an email, but I didn't see it listed*

As someone who has been on Medicaid for years, I can offer you some advice. With them, you play the waiting game A LOT, just don't give up. Your doctor did the right thing by appealing a writing a letter. We've been there and got the t-shirt. :) When they wouldn't pay for my AF0s, my doctor wrote them a letter, they finally paid it after a year.

He will get the surgery. The best trhing you can do is kepp calling thm to check on the progress of things. Be calm and patient. When you go through things like this, remember that it's not just for you. It will help someone else in the long run.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your willingness to share your life. I don't think you could even come close to writing anything boring! I hope to meet your
sweet little one someday soon. Mary S